I just finished Christmas shopping and I’m sitting here (in tears) texting my mom to be on the lookout for packages at her house.

This is the first year I won’t be able to spend Christmas with my family. By time I got my work schedule for the month, it was going to be too expensive to fly to MN and back. I certainly can’t afford the ticket, and though my parents initially offered to buy my ticket, it was collectively decided that it wasn’t worth spending $800+ for me to be home for 2 or 3 days once we figured out the price.

So, I’ve been crying off and on about that (among other things) all week and I’m assuming that’ll keep up (or likely get worse) over the next week.

I’m also poor as hell and feel horrible about not being able to afford better gifts for my parents and siblings. They know that I’m in a not-so-great financial situation for the time being. (Let’s just say that there are multiple people who owe me money for work I did in November and regardless how many times I try to contact them, I don’t get any acknowledgment/response. Not cool, I tell you. Not. Cool.) I really am super worried I’m going to have to move back to MN in a few months. Thankfully I have steady(ish) employment all of December. And I finally got my computer cord in the mail today (my previous one fried and I wasn’t able to go on my computer b/c the battery would have died) so I have access to my cover letters and resumes after a week and a half of not being able to use my computer. This weekend will be spent applying for jobs… as will most of my “free” time from now until forever.

As with anyone, I have high days and low days. Because it’s the holidays and I know I’m not able to spend time with my family, it seems more low days are sneaking in. Add PMSing, money woes and lack of proper sleep on top of that and I am basically a hazard to myself and society. There’s so much stuff I want to do and see (i.e. things like plays and movies that would temporarily let my mind escape from it all), but I really can’t do as much of that because rent and student loans are more important. I did get a month-long Metro Card (I did the math and it was going to be the best deal over the next month), so I think if I’m feeling down, I’ll take a train to my favorite parts of town, or maybe go somewhere new, and just walk around and listen to music. Of course that would take time away from me applying for jobs… but at some point I’ll need fresh air or a break. (Everyone deserves a break, right?)

Wow – this was a super depressing post. Sorry about that.

Really though, as rough as things seem right now, I still have a lot to be grateful for. Even though I can’t be with my family, I love them and know that they love me. I still have a bit of confidence in myself that I will earn myself a good job in a field that relates to my career goals. (Let’s face it, though, come January I’m going to have to work retail somewhere. Good thing I have years of experience. Who cares about two college degrees when you know how to fold towels – am I right?) But, this past week I got to see my favorite performer of my generation do a mini-concert and I got to go to a Broadway show for free. So, see… my life isn’t completely horrible in the slightest πŸ™‚

Honestly – I’m going to be okay. I just need to keep telling myself that and keep working toward a better future. I keep thinking about my life as a movie… and right now I’m at the part where I’m bringing the audience way down so that I can lift them back up again even higher.

So, I’m going to keep my chin up even though it’s definitely not the easiest thing to do right now.

Breath in, breath out. Repeat.

Have a good one πŸ™‚