I told myself when I moved to NYC that after I got a full time job and was financially stable, I would try and focus on my social life (as in, having one).
A few weeks ago, I got hired on full-time at the company I have been working for off and on since August, so I thought “okay, the full-time job has happened… maybe I’ll give this a whirl.”
I was not meant to partake in online dating websites.
A few years ago at a friend’s suggestion, I signed up for OKCupid. That first night, some guy started messaging me and we ended up talking for a couple hours. We had some mutual interests and he seemed nice. I had literally just moved to the area the month before, so I didn’t know anybody, however I wasn’t ready to just drive to some strange location and meet some stranger. So, when he suggested I do just that I was like, “Hold the phone, guy on the Internet. You just started talking to me a couple hours ago. I’m not comfortable meeting you face-to-face yet.”
He said he was okay with that and we chatted a couple more times, though each time he became more insistent that we meet soon. His insistence was making me uncomfortable and I told him that I was going to stop talking with him because he wasn’t accepting that I was not ready to take any next step.
I deleted my OKCupid account that night.
Cut to 3 years later, and I signed up for that Plenty of Fish website.
I have this silly idea in my head that if the Pilgrims could meet people without the Internet, then I could do. BUT, since there is so much pressure from society to be in a relationship, I decided that I would give this Fish website a whirl because I could always delete my account with them too.
I have been on the website for about a week. Within the first few minutes of being on there, some guy messaged me and we talked for maybe 15 minutes. After 5 minutes, he asked to meet up for coffee. This was about 30 seconds after I told him that I didn’t like it when guys were overly aggressive. After a few more minutes of messaging, I told him I was going to go to bed (which was true – I was tired).
Is it unrealistic of me to want to talk with these people for a lengthy amount of time before I meet anyone face to face? I mean – I can’t just up and meet someone. I live in Queens – there are trains and a shit-ton of walking involved for me to get anywhere. I also don’t want to go meet someone if it’s going to be a waste of anyone’s time.
The guy who asked me to meet last week was “relaxing” by watching CSPAN and liked to spend time at clubs with his friends. I think CSPAN is boring as hell and I am not a fan of clubs. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be willing to talk more with this guy, but my first impression was that we were not even remotely into similar things. Also, he wasn’t using whole words. At least he didn’t call me “baby” or “sweetie.”
Whatever guy who messaged me last night started his note off with “Hey baby…” To be honest, I don’t even think I finished reading it before I deleted it. You don’t know me. You don’t have the right to call me “baby” because I’m not your “baby” – I’m a grown-ass woman with two college degrees and enough common sense to know when someone is being genuine and when someone just wants a hookup.
Are my standards to high? Am I being too picky? Will my trust issues completely get in the way with this whole online dating shenanigans?
Do I fear being a spinster until the end of time? Yes. Oh dear god, yes. This is one of my BIGGEST fears. My younger brother just got married a few months ago and my older sister is getting married in May. I am beyond grateful that my parents have never pressured me with any questions like, “So why aren’t you in a relationship?” or “When are you going to get married?” They aren’t the type who are clamoring for grandkids and wanted my siblings and I to establish ourselves as people before we dove into marriage. However, even though my parents don’t ask those questions, society does. Facebook is a nightmare as of late. Everyone is getting engaged, or getting married or having kids. I’m posting pictures of marquees of Broadway shows I saw with girlfriends or by myself.
So, while I would like to be in a relationship, I am not willing to sacrifice my self-respect for some guy who took a selfie of himself posing in a wifebeater while flexing at the bathroom mirror.
I’m okay with being alone (for example – on Friday night I had the best self-date EVER. I got 4th row tickets to a brand new musical, I had dinner at my favorite pizza place and cookies from Schmackary’s, and I walked around the theater district and 5th Ave before my show… it was really quite lovely.), but sometimes you just want to hold someone’s hand while you’re walking around, or snuggle with someone while you’re watching a movie. You want someone special to share your happy moments with and someone who you can lean on when you had a crap day.
Wow, I just bummed myself out. Yikes!
Do any of you have any experience with online dating? Do you have any suggestions for someone with trust issues who is completely leery of this whole concept to begin with?