I have a migraine.

Or, I guess I should say I had one… or I might still have one and the effects of the medicine I took are just so overwhelming that I’m focused on my other problem so much now that I can’t feel the pain.

I am immune to most over-the-counter pain medication. I hurt myself really bad during the summer between middle school and high school and took waaaaaaaaaaaay more OTC pain meds than any one person should take. (Super long story short, I had a neck/back injury and between 5 hours of summer school gym a day and being forced to pitch multiple softball games per night each week for 3 weeks straight, I was taking thousands of mgs of pain pills  a day.  This was not healthy by any means and luckily I didn’t suffer any side effects from it, but it made me realize that even at such high dosages, OTC meds don’t really work well for me.)

So, when I got my first migraine at the beginning of this year, I was desperate for relief and ended up getting some Excederin specifically for this type of ailment.

And boy, does that stuff work. 

It works too well, I’d say.

I found that if I take the recommended dosage that the pain in my head greatly subsides… however, my heart then starts to race because of all the caffeine and it makes me jumpy/feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest.

That’s where I’m at right now. 

I feel like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction where she gets that needle to her chest. I feel like that guy in Alien when the baby alien pops out of his chest. I feel very, very out of it. But I guess being super jumpy and on the verge of exploding is slightly better than the steady stream of tears I had going earlier from the epic amount of pain I was in.

It’s days like these I wish I had a job that allowed paid sick days so I could have stayed in bed with all the lights off. But, I can’t afford to miss work, so I’m typing this from my office and counting down the minutes until I can go home (well, not go home… I have a couple errands I need to run before I can crawl back into my bed). 

When I was in high school, I was diagnosed with depression. I thought that was an overstatement at the time… I don’t think I was depressed then, just super stressed out. I’d like to think that’s what’s happening now. I don’t think I’m depressed, just super stressed out. (I haven’t seen my family in months. I’m always worried about money. I don’t think I see my friends enough but there just never seems to be time to do everything I need/want to do and try to have a social life, etc…). These problems are not unique to me, nor do I pretend they are. I feel a lot of my peers are in the same boat. Is this what being an adult is all about?

On my walk to the train this morning, I was walking behind a mother and daughter. I thought to myself, “Man, I barely have a handle on my own life. Even if I wanted kids, there is no way in hell I am capable of taking care of another person right now in the state I’m in.”  And then I think to how my mom and dad got married and had three kids all by the age of 26 and I feel like I did something wrong. But, I know that my generation is different than their generation and I shouldn’t be comparing myself to them…

… but then I start comparing myself to my siblings (younger brother got married last year and my older sister is getting married next month) and I still feel like crap because I’m not fitting into some sort of mold that doesn’t actually exist.

(See what happens when you are hopped up on caffeine?)

In all honesty, I’m fairly sure the good things in my life are outweighing the bad, but it’s just so easy to let the bad stuff overtake you. I try really, really hard not to let it get to me… but sometimes it’s difficult not to let it creep under your skin.

Like, yesterday I got bitched out by someone at work. Or this morning – I found out I made a tiny mistake on someone’s business cards and didn’t catch it before it got sent to print. That, on top of the migraine, made me want to just call it quits and head home. But, I can’t… so here I type.

This weekend I get to see my siblings. I cannot properly put into words how much I am looking forward to this. I really need a hug from my parents, but hugs from people who have shared DNA will be 100% welcome. 

My god, I am so jumpy right now!

But I’m tired too. See – that’s the weird/terrible thing. 

I am sooooooo tired.

I don’t sleep well. I haven’t slept well since high school. I wouldn’t call what I have right now insomnia, per se, but it’s not great. Like, last night I got maybe 4 hours of sleep. FOUR! And I feel exhausted all the time, but I can’t sleep. I definitely wouldn’t be able to sleep right now (even though I really want to) because my heart is RACING! 

(I don’t drink coffee – never have and likely never will – but is this how people get when they have that much caffeine in their system? It’s horrible… why would you want to feel like this all the time?)

I wonder when the medicine is going to wear off. I pray that when it does the migraine is gone because there is no way in hell I can put my heart through this again today (Nor will I… I am not feeling this jumpy tonight when I need to get sleep. No way, no how.).


So yeah… this has been a post written by someone who should never, ever have this much caffeine in her system ever again.