Every day at work, I make a “To Do” list to remind myself what I need to get done before I leave for the day. It’s basically the same list every day, but I like crossing things off, ergo I make a new list when I get in in the morning. (I have OCD tendencies and am aware of that.)
On today’s list, I added something new – “Don’t cry.”
I have been on the verge of bursting into tears for a majority of the week but have doing a pretty good job of keeping my feelings in check these last few days. I have a feeling tonight the levee will break and I’ll cry my way through a decent amount of tissues. I just need a release, but I know crying at work is not the best time/place to do so.
I almost lost it on the train this morning. I was watching an older woman meticulously put her makeup on. She had so many tubes and powders and stuff and I just stood there, listening to my iPod and wondering if I don’t have a boyfriend because the only makeup I put on is concealer and a powder to set it.
And the thing is, I *know* it’s crazy (and wrong) to think that. But my mind goes ahead and thinks it anyway.
My sister got married last month. It was a really sweet ceremony and I am a big fan of the man she married because he is good people. My brother got married in October (and I love his wife) and my parents will be celebrating their 32nd wedding anniversary in August.
I am now officially the seventh wheel.
And while there is no pressure from my family or close group of friends for me to tie the knot any time soon, there are questions from acquaintances and people at work (i.e. my boss) who think it’s funny to joke around that I need to lock down a husband soon because I’m now behind.
People shouldn’t joke about stuff like that because these stupid thoughts already are running through the head of the lone single person. And guess what? It’s not funny to feel like the odd man out. It’s not funny to joke that no one wants you because that’s constantly weighing on the mind of the person who is forced to watch everyone else be all couple-y and cute with their significant other.
I’m not sad that I’m alone. (Okay, that’s a lie – I’m a little sad about it.) I’m sad to be constantly reminded that I’m alone.
I’m alone and my work hours got cut. I’m alone, my work hours got cut and I got screamed at by a woman at work. I’m alone, my work hours got cut, I got screamed at by a woman at work and it hurts to breathe because there has been a feeling of extreme pressure in my chest lately.
See how depressing that last paragraph was? That (and more) is going through my head on a loop.
To be honest, though, I have a lot of stuff going for me.
The thing is, it is always easier to focus on the negative things that are going on in one’s life.
I’m a happy person. I have a family who loves me. I have some great friends who make living in NYC a lot less lonely. I’ve been able to see some really great things and experience some once-in-a-lifetime opportunities because of who I am and where I am right now. I have a college education. I’m not homeless or broke (yet). I may not be working at my dream job, but I’m living in my favorite city and “making it” somehow.
My parents remind me of these things when I get down (which is often), and I have been trying really hard to think about the happy things instead of dwelling on the not so pleasant stuff going on right now. (Let me tell you, that is a challenge… and one I am usually failing.)
It doesn’t help that it’s all rainy today and I have a headache because of the amount of stuff I have going on in my head right now. I know I need to get it out, but I don’t know how. I should probably write it down… but I’m busy working on a couple scripts and I just outlined another novel-length story for my friends that I don’t want to waste any of my “free time” writing out my feelings when I could be working on something else. It’d be easier if I could just tell my issues to people, but I have problems being that open. I don’t have a person anymore who knows all my stuff. I tried asking my sister if she and I could have some one-on-one time during the week I spent w/her and the family surrounding her wedding, but we got interrupted after a few minutes and I definitely didn’t get a chance to say even a fraction of the things that I wanted to. But that conversation can’t be done over the phone… so I don’t know if/when I’ll get a chance to talk to her.
I’m okay. Or at least I’m okay enough to still function like a mostly normal person. So even though it sometimes feels like my whole world is crumbling, I need to take a step back and realize that everything is not as bad as it seems or as bad as it could be.
So, I’m going to try really hard to think of the good things more than I think of the bad things. And hopefully at the end of the work day, I’ll be able to cross of “Don’t Cry” because I completed that task.