Social media and the Internet allows us the opportunity to share as much (or as little) as we want.
For example, you’re reading my blog right now… and I chose to type out exactly what you are reading.
When I started this blog a few years ago, it was to chronicle what was going on in my life while I was writing my thesis. I finished writing my thesis over two years ago and this blog has since become a mix of popular culture stuff (movie/theater reviews and glee-caps mostly) and epic monologues about various aspects of my life as I am navigating living on my own in NYC (my One Year Anniversary is next weekend – WHAT?!).
Those who know me best can sometimes read between the lines of what I’m sharing on here and usually can figure out when I’ve purposefully omitted something.
See, when you’re in the middle of a job hunt (like I am and have been for the last month and a half…), you can’t just go around posting all your thoughts and feels on the Internet for everyone to see/read. You need to carefully create this online presence so that when potential employers poke around on the World Wide Web and come across your blog, they aren’t immediately turned off by what you’ve chosen to share with the world.
I Google myself every now and again just to make sure I haven’t written anything that would be harmful to my public image. Besides some swear words on my Twitter and on here every now and again, I think I’m doing pretty well. Lucky for me, the things that pop up when I Google my name are my Twitter feed, my graduate thesis, my LinkedIn page, an article I wrote for VMSD a few months ago and some articles I wrote while at Ohio University. I look pretty damn professional, if I do say so myself 🙂
But that’s the thing… I’m very aware of what I post on here or what goes on my Tumblr page. I will definitely favorite things I like, but I will never reblog someone who has a username better fit for a porn title, or reblog pictures of actors I like just for the hell of it. I want to make a contribution to my readers – not just constantly spam them with gifs of the same thing that’s already clogging up their dashboard.
The thing is, though, some days I would like to just come on here and type out everything that’s flying around in my head – if only to just get it out.
But I don’t. I can’t.
Because the moment I type something on here about having a bad day or bursting into tears while brushing my teeth, someone is going to see that and think, “Oh, I can’t hire her. She seems unstable.”
But that’s not true.
Everyone has bad days now and again. And sure, I get a little sad or lonely at times. But doesn’t everybody?
Are we meant to keep this epically cheery facade on at all times? Sadly, I think the answer is “yes.”
I was on the phone with my dad the other day and I complained about something and he told me “Get a better attitude, kid, because people can feel that bad vibe.” I WAS IN MY APARTMENT. ALONE.
If I’m not allowed to feel a little moody when I’m alone in the privacy of my own home, then when or where can I?
This is why I get headaches. This is why I can’t sleep. This is why I burst into tears while I brush my teeth sometimes. Because I’m being told that I have to keep my negative thoughts in or else someone might see/feel/hear them and we can’t have that now, can we?
I know my dad did not mean for me to just clam up and not tell anyone anything ever, or completely suppress all my thoughts and feelings. He was just saying that in that moment, I needed to have a better attitude about what I was talking about.
However, he’s right to a degree. In our society, it’s really frowned upon if you get down on yourself or express negative thoughts. I mean, people do it all the time (why do you think gossip magazines and crappy talk shows/reality shows are so popular?), but it’s unbecoming if you just air all your dirty laundry for the whole of the world to see/read. If people see that you are sad and depressed right then, then they are likely to assume that that is how you are always.
I would argue that I am a happy person a majority of the time. I have a wonderful family and great friends. I just finished a huge personal writing project and am back to writing scripts. But somehow it’s always easier to focus on the bad things. For me, right now, that’s not having a job, being terrified of my future and watching seemingly everyone else around me getting married or at the very least being happy in a relationship.
I’m working extremely hard on fixing two of the three of those “bad things.” (I’m focusing on finding a job and being less scared of my completely uncertain future… the relationship thing can keep waiting. I have to be happy with myself first, and being financially stable again will be a HUGE part of that.) I have applied to 52 jobs so far this month. (Yes, I have been keeping a detailed list… it’s sad and impressive all at the same time.) And I’ll be applying to a bunch more jobs this afternoon.
I have to believe that something good is on the horizon for me. (See – look at me being all POSITIVE!!! You should totally hire me because I BELIEVE IN MYSELF!!!!!!!!!)
But, when I have a bad day in the coming weeks, you won’t be reading about it on here. Because “here” is online and online is for all to see.