I just got done watching the rerun of Glee from last season – they re-aired “Girls (and Boys) On Film” after showing a super brief montage/dedication to Cory Monteith.

I thought I was ready to watch Glee again… I realized I actually wasn’t.

I watched anyway.

Though I didn’t cry, I found my heart hurt and I actually was holding my breath. I didn’t realize that until I almost choked out the air I was holding in, lungs desperate for oxygen after the “Glee” title card passed and Will and Emma were part way through their opening song.

Season 5 of Glee airs on September 26th. We’ve been told that the first two episodes will be Beatles episodes and then the third episode will deal with Cory Monteith’s/Finn Hudson’s tragic early departure from the show.

I only just realized as I was watching the show tonight – no one in the Glee world knows that Finn is not going to make it past the third episode of the season. It’s the worst kind of irony, knowing that one of our beloved characters (played by one of our beloved actors on the show) will no longer be there. Kurt will go through two episodes not knowing he will no longer have his stepbrother. Rachel will go through two episodes not knowing she will no longer have her soul mate. Carol will lose her only biological son. Burt will lose a stepson. All those kids and Will will lose a friend.

And we, the audience, will have to watch it happen.

I understand that the first two episodes were already written and that by making the third episode the one surrounding the loss of Cory, the writers have more time to make sure they honor both Cory and Finn properly… but it’s also horrendously cruel for everyone involved (cast, crew and audience) to go through the first two episodes like everything is fine when in reality, everything is not fine. Everything still hurts. Everything will continue to hurt for a long, long time.

The show must go on, but it’s going to be very difficult to watch this season – these first three episodes, especially. If the audience is feeling this way, I cannot imagine what the cast and crew are going through as they start filming.

My thoughts continue to go out to Cory’s family, friends, colleagues, and the rest of the fandom. We need to keep sticking together.

[And – selfishly – the icing on the already terrible cake of tonight’s rerun was the Klaine duet of “Come What May.” Too many feels. Our boys are still apart and that STUPID cliffhanger didn’t do anything to help it. We want Klaine back together as boyfriends… they aren’t ready to be engaged or married. (Darren and Chris feel the same way, apparently, at least according to this interview Darren did over the summer – relevant part starts at 1:15. He said he and Chris were not supportive of a teen marriage plot line at all)]