August 2012


This is a follow-up post to yesterday’s meltdown. 

I’m okay. Honest.

Well, mostly okay 🙂 

I’m still super stressed out about a lot of things, but that’s to be expected. I’ve only been here three weeks. I can’t expect everything to be sunshine and rainbows. Hopefully eventually… just I know it’s unrealistic to expect that right now. 

One good thing, though, is the whole thing with my roommates yesterday ended up being a misunderstanding due to lack of communication/us ever seeing each other. They didn’t steal my stuff on purpose (thank goodness!) and we got it resolved. 

I’m thankful that it was just a little blip in communication. I really like my roommates and I thought we were on good terms (and we are – yay!). 

I was just extra moody because of the crappy interview snafu and hormones. Thankfully, Shark Week is over (WOOT) and I have a couple weeks of normalcy ahead of me. (Or, I guess I should say I have a couple weeks where I can’t use crazy hormones to rationalize out anything. Not that hormones are rational… 😉 )

My week is pretty much packed from here on out… work all day tomorrow and friday, then a freelance thing on Saturday. Job applications are getting sent out every night. And I’m still trying to figure out how I can go on a road trip with my friends next Friday. I really want to go. Right now I’m 50/50… 50% of me thinks I should not go and save the $100 bucks it’ll probably cost. But 50% of me knows this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and will be one of the craziest (and potentially most fun) days of my life thus far. I might talk it over with my sister. She’s usually supportive of doing crazy things. Especially me doing crazy things because I never do crazy things. (Or rarely do crazy things… I’ve surprised myself and others a few times over the past year or so.)

Well – I should get going… have a couple things to wrap up before I head back to my apartment. 

Have a good one

 

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Yeah, you can add that to the list of places I’ve burst into tears the past two weeks…

This list also includes my room, the Trenton parking lot of the NJ Transit, the NJ Transit itself, and about 5 blocks of 42nd street.

I’m a mess.

But what else is new?

I’m on the middle of a lengthy funk and am desperate to get out. I was making plans for a mini road trip with some friends next week, but am probably not going to be able to go due to the need to be financially responsible.

I thought I had a job interview this morning… That turned out to be misleading and disappointing.

I need to find a full-time job. I need a steady income. I’m giving myself a couple more weeks, but then I am going to have to turn to retail or something equally demeaning. As if my heart couldn’t hurt anymore… (and here comes the face rain again. But, since I’m still in the library, I don’t get to add a new location for my emotional breakdowns.)

On top of the shitty interview experience this morning, one of my roommates took something my mom had sent me in a care package. I don’t have much here with me as it is bc I only could bring what fit in my car and I have very limited funds… So to know that someone took something from me when I know they have way more stuff than I do just makes me sad.

It’s not been a good day.

But, it can get better, right? I have work this afternoon, so that’s grocery money for 2 weeks. I worked all day yesterday, so that’s student loans for a month. I got published on a new website. I have friends who I can talk to about important stuff and silly stuff.

I just need to keep thinking about the positive stuff… Even though the negative stuff is heavily outweighing that these days.

I’m off to catch a train. Well, in a minute. I want to completely collect myself before I head out. Although, i’ll still be on 42nd street, so that wouldn’t be a new crying location either…

Have a good one … Or at least a better one than I!

The weather here is pretty warm and awfully muggy. I am presently sitting on my bed with a fan aimed right at my face. I was outside earlier walking to/from the laundromat (which thankfully is only right across the street) and it just felt gross. I may be going into town later… there was mention of karaoke, so… we’ll see.

I still haven’t been sleeping well. You’d think with how late I’ve been getting in that my body would just want to sleep as much as possible, but no.

I never remembering going out this much, but it’s been fun. I just wish I had a steady job to keep funding said outings. I have an interview on Tuesday, so keep your fingers crossed for me.

In the past two nights, I’ve gone to two concerts. On Thursday I went to Gramercy to see Jay Stolar and Charlene Kaye. That was the third time I’ve seen Charlene perform this year, and my first time seeing Jay Stolar. He was pretty good – sounded very much like Gavin DeGraw (and just as adorable, so that was an added bonus). Charlene Kaye is awesome. She’s a good performer and her songs are really catchy. If you haven’t heard her most recent album (Animal Love), I highly recommend it.

Last night some friends and I went to dinner at the Playwright’s Pub b/c another friend was promoting a brand of beer there (i.e. free beer – woot). We laughed for a couple hours then made our way down to this cramped venue above The Living Room (I wanna say it was called Googie’s, but who knows…) to see Megan Cox perform a solo set (she plays keyboard and sings background vocals for Charlene Kaye but is a super talented musician/performer in her own right). It was fun to just sit and listen to some music.

I wish I could have slept in more today, but I didn’t, so I did laundry and perused around online a bit looking for more job applications. I had another crying match over the phone w/my mom yesterday because I was upset that the two jobs i moved to NYC for are basically non-existent at this point. I am working all of next week, but that’s only because someone else is on vacation. I need steady employment and fast. I’ve been applying to dozens of jobs. My mom said I should be pounding the pavement … but it’s not like people have “help wanted” signs just hanging on their doors. A lot (if not all) of the applying process is done via the internet. So, i’m forced to sit behind my computer all day and write cover letters and figure out which resume would be best suited for that job (it’s all the same information, just in a different order depending on if it’s a writing job or not).

But, as it never fails, every time I’m behind my computer for more than a few minutes, my eyes begin to close. Even now, my head is leaning back against the wall and my eyes are closed. How is she even typing?! Child, after being in school for writing and then writing a bajillion large papers, I know where all the keys are on the keyboard and I can type quickly (and for the most part, accurately), without looking.

Sometimes, though, I have to crack my eyes open just to see if I am on the right letter… if you are off by a letter, it throws everything else off.

Maybe I’ll shut my eyes for a bit for real. I’ll just keep my phone on so if it rings/if someone texts me, I’ll hear it. I will apply for more jobs in a few minutes, I just can’t keep my eyes open right now :/

Have a good one

This’ll be short, as I have stuff I should be doing right now… like eating lunch (it’s amazing how loud your stomach can growl right when you’re in the middle of something else). 

I spent the weekend out of town with some of my extended family, and it was great. I hadn’t seen them in years and it’s just super great knowing I’m only a train-ride away from family hugs and people who love me unconditionally. I spent most of the train ride back in tears (and presently I’m performing a sequel to that episode) because I was just so overwhelmed by homesickness, fear and worry. Thank goodness I have one of the greatest friends known to mankind and she called me and made me feel better (even though I still felt – and continue to feel) like crap. 

I just don’t want to feel like I’m thinking about money all the time. I know this never stops, but I hate that it’s basically taking over my life. Luckily I got a call from work today and I’m working tomorrow for a few hours, and then all of next week. I’m still applying for jobs like a crazy lady because I really would like to earn a position in a field that I am passionate about, but for the time being, I am thankful that I will be earning some money over the next couple weeks. I’ll still be super stressed out, but at least I’ll know that I can pay for my health insurance next month. 

I keep getting asked questions about stuff that’s going on in the future. How am I supposed to answer when I don’t even know what’s going on in the next few weeks? I’m stressed out about enough – my brother asking me if I know whether i’ll be driving or flying to his wedding in October shouldn’t send me bursting into tears, and yet here I sit.

 

I’d like to blame PMS for all of this face-flooding. 

 

Well, I am going to make a sandwich or something. I have to kill 12 minutes before I find out if I won lottery tickets for Shakespeare in the Park tonight (god bless free entertainment in NYC). 

 

Have a good one

I have had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows this week. Right now I’m in my lowest of lows, hence the me feeling sorry for myself post.

I told you not to read it.

Having my car with me in New York is the worst thing ever. I thought it wasn’t going to be so bad because the girl whose room I took over said she had her car here and never had trouble finding parking.

Well – yay for her.

The other night, I was walking home after a meeting and I passed my car (which I tend to do to check up on it) and saw that there were signs up for cars to move by 10:00 or else they’d be towed because they were going to be filming a tv show in my neighborhood. It was 9:45 when I saw this sign… they must have been posted while I was at work earlier in the day. So, that night, I spent over an hour and a half trying to find a parking spot. (Mind you, I still haven’t slept much by this point, so I am dead tired and was ready to be in bed well over an hour before.) At about minute 60, I could feel tears building up. I was already screaming at other cars and fire hydrants by this point (my windows were up, don’t worry). But, I literally had no idea what to do or where to go. So, I pulled into the McDonald’s parking lot and burst into tears. Then I called my mom. Then I cried some more. Then I decided I’d try to find a parking garage somewhere and then take the subway back to my neighborhood. I GPSed a parking garage in an area I was familiar with and drove there only to find it didn’t exist anymore. (Thanks a lot, Google.) So, I decided that I would drive back to my neighborhood and park in an area where I would have to wake up at 6 or so in order to move my car before it could get towed. By time I got to my apartment it was past 12:30am. I didn’t sleep (of course) b/c I was worried I would miss my alarm.

Luckily I didn’t miss my alarm and was able to move my car.

However, today when I went to move my car again (there is street sweeping on Thursday and Friday, depending on what side of the street you’re parked on), my car wouldn’t start. I turned it over and a bunch of lights flashed and it made weird clicking sounds. The Internet said it was likely my battery was shot (even though the guy at the auto place a couple months ago said my battery was awesome). I called my mom for a second opinion – she thought battery too.

FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

Since I’m not working full time yet, money is a huge problem for me. I have some saved up, but I am literally watching every penny. And after the crap week I had (the tv show parking snafu was just one thorn in my side), I just could not wrap my head around the fact that now I’ll have to drop some $$ for a car battery.

Luckily there is an auto place 2 doors away from my apartment and a super nice man there who helped me out (he jumped my car and then said if I ever needed anything to come see him… which I did 10 minutes later when my battery died again. He’s going to fix my car today or tomorrow and then let me know when he’s done.).

His niceness, however, did not stop me from bursting into tears as soon as I got back to my apartment. Which is where I am now… sitting on my bed, crying and looking a hot mess (I need a shower, especially b/c I’m babysitting tonight and I want to make a good first impression on the parents.).

I just really wish I had more things figured out. I wish I had a full time job that paid awesomely. Right now I have a job that’ll be close to full time, but that won’t start for a few weeks (as in, in the last two weeks, I only worked 18 1/2 hours). And, it doesn’t pay as much as I need it too. I have a few smaller jobs lined up (babysitting, a potential freelance writing gig that pays, like, 8 cents a word), but I really wish I could earn a job somewhere that will pay all my bills and allow me to put something away into savings. As it is, I will barely be scraping by – and that’s only when the job I have now goes almost full-time. Which won’t happen (if at all) for another couple weeks. (The job I got hired for a month or so ago doesn’t exist anymore… which really sucks because that was most of the reason why i moved here to begin with. So, now i’m stuck in this other job, which it’s great to have a job, but it’s not steady yet and it’s definitely not the best use of the five years I spent in undergrad and grad school.)

I have applied to so many jobs over the past week, it’s ridiculous. And I’ll keep applying to so many jobs. I really don’t want to take another retail job, but if things don’t start looking up soon, I might have to. And that breaks my soul even more than it already is broken (which is quite a bit by this point).

I did just get a text from a friend saying we should have a picnic tomorrow. It’ll be nice to see friends, even if I really shouldn’t be going on a picnic. But, part of me thinks if I don’t get out of my apartment and interact with friends, then I am going to snap or explode or the like.

I’m just so tired.

I probably shouldn’t complain. I know there are people out there who have it way worse than me. But, it’s just super rough being far away from family, and not sleeping, and worrying about money all the time. Good thing I get to see my extended family this weekend – I could really use a hug.

have a good one

This is so weird.

Sorry I haven’t posted recently – I’ve been super busy and super tired.

I can’t believe I moved to New York City. Like, I did it. I’m here. I stood in live at the DMV for 4 hours yesterday to get my NYS Driver’s License (which will be mailed to me in a few weeks, I guess…).

Again, this is so weird.

It’s weird being this far away from my family. It’s weird being this close to friends I haven’t seen in awhile. In the past 3 days, I’ve seen 4 friends and will be seeing more on Friday. I haven’t been this close in proximity to more than one friend in like, 2 years. It’s kind of mind blowing.

That being said, I’m still lonely. That’ll fade in time, but it’s a bit of a rough adjustment to go from living with your parents (who you love and are awesome), to probably not seeing them until October. I’m hundreds of miles away from my siblings too, which also kinda sucks. I mean, we’re all grown-ups and it’s not like we ever made a pact to all live in the same area… but it sucks being far away from family. I did get to see my brother on Saturday night (I spent the night at his apt, as it was on the way from MN to NYC), so that was nice.

I spent the last 2 days walking around. I have to be at 4 different buildings for work this week and I wanted to make sure I knew where they were and what trains to take. I should be fine heading in tomorrow, but I’m super nervous because it’s a new job in a new city and that’s scary!

Like I mentioned earlier, I am super tired. I haven’t slept well since I moved here (part of it due to excessive heat – there’s only so much a box fan can do… but most of it due to just freaking out about life and bills). I’m tired all the time, but I can’t sleep. I really wore myself out today (I legit probably walked 6 or 7 miles), but I fear I won’t be able to sleep since I’m worried about work tomorrow. I just keep thinking to myself that I can sleep in on Saturday.

I want to sleep right now. It’s not even 7 pm… I have to be up in 12 hours. I am going to write a blog post for my other blog, and then I am going to lay down and maybe watch a movie or something. Or maybe just sleep… God, I am so tired.

I hope all is well with you

Have a good one

I’m leaving for NYC in 2 days.

I am terrified, but am also super proud of myself. I’m at the point where I am convinced every uplifting Broadway song was written specifically for me. “Defying Gravity” – my life story. “Astonishing” – Jo March is my spirit animal.

I packed a lot it my car today. I was shoving stuff in the trunk like my life depended on it. I have a few odds and ends left to pack, but those can wait until tomorrow. I’m watching some Olympics. Men’s all-around is on, but I wish we were back at swimming.

And just like that, it’s back to the pool… Men’s 100 free 🙂

Have a good one!